No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
