I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm at about main and main street
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
