cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i out mim tonsoeep
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
