I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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