i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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