Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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