mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
