I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
