hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
