fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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