If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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