I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
