Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
