The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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