Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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