I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
