I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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