Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
