The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
