It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
