Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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