Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
