I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
