So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In America we eat man semen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
