five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
