what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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