1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
