i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
