I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
