I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
