I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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