did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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