i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
