I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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