All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
