Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
