she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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