Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
