ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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