I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
