i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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