Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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