I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
