I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
