Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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