Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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