When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
