Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
