im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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