The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
