What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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