It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
We left an ass print on the piano.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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