she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
