I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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