just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
bring money and cleavage
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
