So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
