My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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