This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
