please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
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Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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