i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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