My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
